


Shinrinyoku

by HatakeSun



Category: Naruto
Genre: AU, Developing Relationship, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Gai isn't in a wheelchair, Gen, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I didn't tag so I didn't spoil, Kind of not-AU, Kinky, Literally all of the warnings, M/M, Mostly Het, Multi, Neji is still dead though, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Request Kinks, Sasuke/Literally Everyone, Secret Relationship, Swearing, There is no conceivable reality where Sai isn't Bisexual, This will get SERIOUSLY filthy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-23 02:09:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13777458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HatakeSun/pseuds/HatakeSun
Summary: "For a girl who would sooner bury her own honey-smothered face neck-deep in a nest of angry hornets than hurt someone's feelings, the situation Hinata currently finds herself in qualifies as the former.Current situation being that Haruno Sakura dresses like shit."A "Seinfeld-ian" Naruto fic, with a lemony kink.





	Shinrinyoku

[ **Shinrinyoku.** ]

森林浴

 _ **n.**_ [sheen·reen·yo·coo]

 _A peaceful, therapeutic walk through a forest.  
_ _The state of being immersed in the woods._

 

 

 **Chapter One.  
** 世の中 • Yo·no·naka

 

The 4th Great Shinobi War laid a legion of heroes to rest.

Shinobi, their clans, and the once-warring hidden villages did more than simple fight together- they stood at one another's sides. Every sunrise of the monumental battle forged new bonds; every sunset made existing ties stronger.

Six years have passed since the allied forces achieved victory, forever changing the world of Shinobi and civilians alike. For those who call themselves Ninja, airy hopes for the future have finally become reality.

The 4th Great Shinobi War gave rise to a generation of legends.

Tonight, a handful of those legends come together in the Hidden Leaf. Beyond the solid oak doors of a nondescript building on the west side of town, a celebration is held. In attendance are the heirs to not one- but six legendary Ninja clans. Two former Kage, four veteran Shinobi, and five of the world's most brilliant young Jōnin wouldn't miss it for the world.

Friendships forged between heroes, all thanks to the bond between an underdog, a prodigy, a prodigal son... and one famously lazy, grey-haired pervert.

 

[ **October 10. Nurses' Housing. 7:32 pm.** ]

 

     "Forehead? I love you. You're my absolute best friend forever and ever and you're so, so, _so_ incredibly gorgeous. But-”

Yamanaka Ino is a well-rounded and competent kunoichi. She can be soft as a mother's touch, and rough as the asphalt when it collides with your knees. Loyal, determined, charismatic and bold- Yamanaka Ino is most certainly _not_ a liar. If she were, the nickname "Bees" (blonde, beautiful, bossy, bitch), just wouldn't have the same ring to it.

     "Cut the shit, Yamanaka. What _Bees_ here is trying to say is that it's fucking terrible. Unbelievably dreadful."

26-year-old Wind Ambassador to Fire Suna-no-Temari was once described as "Harsh. In every possible way." These days the term _painfully honest_ is preferred, although the 'painfully' part is said very quietly. If you're the sort of person who wonders at the answers to questions better left unasked (For example: Why not just say harsh?), you'll discover that pieces of those people have yet to be found.

     "Pfft!! Ha! You look like... like how little kids think adults dress!"

War-orphan-turned-loyalist weapons-expert TenTen can bring levity to any situation. Spending your formative years with Konoha's "Number One Most Socially Awkward Genius" and a teenage boy who not only willingly, but shamelessly wears a full-body spandex leotard, leaves you with basically two options: learn to go with the flow, or become the first human being to _literally_ die of embarrassment. Clearly, TenTen managed to perfect option one.

     “W-well i-it's m-maybe you c-could... n-no. IMSOSORRYSAKURACHAN!"

Would-be Hyūga heiress Hinata has always been shy, but at 22 her nervous stutter only returns in the face of heart-clenching awkwardness, or Uzumaki Naruto. For a girl who would sooner bury her own honey-smothered face neck-deep in a nest of angry hornets than hurt someone's feelings, the situation Hinata currently finds herself in qualifies as the former.

Current situation being that Haruno Sakura dresses like shit.

Among five women with big claims to fame, Sakura's might be the biggest. Member of Team 7 alongside the last Uchiha and the Nine-Tailed Fox, taught by the infamous Copy-Nin Kakashi, apprentice of Legendary Sannin Slug-Queen Tsunade, co-founder of the HVMG (Hidden Village Medical Group), and head of the in-field division at Konoha Medical— one might assume Sakura has a "big head." To quote Ino, the woman who knows Sakura best, "it's just her forehead that's big. And that's literally, not figuratively." Sakura is actually humble, kind, and more than a bit of a dork.

Tonight, in Sakura's tiny room at the Konoha nurses' housing unit, five of the most successful, intelligent, battle-hardened kunoichi are gathered together to engage in one of the most important acts of womanhood— getting ready together before a night out.

     "Don't you still have that little purple dress I gave you last year?"  
     "It was 3 years ago Ino-"

     "Maybe I could take a kunai to it? I can't sew worth a shit, but at least it wouldn't look like that."  
     "Hell no Ten! We all remember last ti-"

     "How have you possibly gotten laid before? Seriously, do you even like dick?"  
     "Goddamnit Temari!"

     "I'm sure the next one will be wonderful, Sakura-chan."

Sakura is able to offer Hinata a grateful smile in return for her optimism, but it doesn't change the fact that the third outfit she tries on that night is, like all the others, a total bust.

     "Guys? Why am I like this?"

 

[ **October 10. Uchiha Compound. 8:19 pm.** ]

 

On the outskirts of Konohagakure, the last living Uchiha opens his front door.

In one stern, methodical look he assesses the five visibly drunk young men standing on his front porch, and with the blank, unaffected stare only a full-blooded Uchiha could possibly muster, he slams his front door closed again.

     "SASKAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!"  
      _ ***Bang! Bangbangbang!*  
**_      "SASKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... ay."

Sasuke's door swings open again and he leans with an aggravating sort of nonchalance against his doorframe. He has his shoes on now, hands in the pockets of a light jacket, and a grin on his face. Despite returning to Konoha over three years ago, legitimate emotion on Sasuke can understandably still be a tad jarring. Still, Naruto only needs a second to remember that he's finally got his best friend back, and this time he's not going anywhere.

...And he's being teased.

...And how dare that smug bastard-

     "TEME don't you DARE fuck with me tonightIwillkickyourFUCKINGassIsw-!"  
     "Tch. Dobe are you here to drag me out? Or did you all just follow him here because he thought he smelled ramen?"  
     "AHHHWOOOOO! Le'ss get f-UCK-ed up! An' hey... Id've kicked 'ur ass too Sas-kun, Naru s'my boy!"

An exuberant high-five between Naruto and Kiba gives Sasuke the opportunity to cringe, and Sai enough time to offer an (impressively sarcastic) nod of polite greeting in his general direction.

     "Hello again traito-"

Whether notified of his mistake by the grumbling chorus of his name, or the slowly activating Sharingan in Sasuke's visible eye, Sai fixes his smile and corrects himself.

     "-Former-traitor. I've been informed that a friend's day of birth is important, so had dickless decided to enter into a confrontation with you, I'm currently under obligation to support him. Despite it going against my own personal judgment since he and the fleabag combined wouldn't have stood a chance. Intoxicated or not."

Thanks to his practiced facial expressions, the first evidence of Sai's own intoxicated state is the genuine confusion on his face when Kiba and Naruto both attack him from behind at once. The distraction gives Gaara, Sasuke, and Shikamaru the opportunity to turn away in feigned ignorance. While Sasuke locks his front door he and Shikamaru share a quick 'one-armed-sideways-no-homo' hug in greeting, and Gaara quickly offers his hand for a shake (because a display of physical contact like that is _far too intimate_ ).

     "Uchiha-san. I am pleased to find you in good health and spirits."

With a polite nod and a genuinely respectful 'Hn' to the soon-to-be-former Kazekage, Sasuke leads everyone not currently giving or receiving a headlock off of his front porch.

     "I think I'm starting to actually _like_ Sai... and don't either of you mention I said that. I'm sure I don't need to say this but... Rinnegan."  
     "Threats aside, I see no reason for that information to spread, former-traitor."

Startled by their unexpected company, Gaara, Sasuke, and Shikamaru turn to look at Sai, then in unison towards where Naruto and Kiba were harassing him only seconds ago. Finding the latter two still arguing on Sasuke's front porch, Sai shrugs before offering his explanation.

     "I was able to slip away quite easily once they turned on each other over which of them would get to fight me first."  
     "Tch. Blockheads."  
     "Can we truly, with good conscience, support Dickless in his mission to become Hokage?"

Upon realizing Sai may have a valid point, Gaara squints with inner turmoil. Sasuke merely smirks, slightly shocked at himself internally; Uchiha really didn't think he would ever enjoy Sai's company. The so-far silent member of the group sums up all of their thoughts with a single word-

     "Troublesome."

 

[ **October 10. Jōnin Complex, 3rd Floor, Apartment #3. 8:59 pm.** ]

 

Yamato firmly believes there is nothing better than October weather in Konoha.

He loves fine tea and fine food and fine wine and fine art, but he never felt quite right using the word "perfection" to describe anything other than nights like this one.

Yamato, unfortunately, is _not_ a firm believer in his neighbor eventually answering his own damned door.

He tries to convince himself that the three idiots outside will cease their obnoxious racket without turning around to start banging on his-

     "DYNAMIC ENTRY!"

-but Yamato really never felt right using the words "absolute certainty" to describe anything other than Kakashi-sempai's unrelenting laziness.

     "Well surprise, surprise. Grandma Woody, sittin' at home in his rocking chair on a Saturday night. Whatcha doin' there Grandma? Knitting?"  
     "Yamato-kun! Knitting is a very un-youthful hobby!"  
     "Hatake didn't answer his door again, Yamato-san. I would apologize for the door... again, but I assume you'll just make a new one... again."

Unfazed by both the sudden intrusion and the shattered remains of his front door, Yamato takes one last sip of his tea and places the cup down with excessive gentleness. He takes care folding his lap blanket and the page in his book before setting it aside and finally standing to face the three drunken members of Konoha's 'Unofficial Home Invasion Committee.'

     "Shiranui. I have never knit anything, ever, in my life. Might Guy. I have never knit anything, ever, in my life. Namiashi-kun..."

Yamato sighs, resting his head in his palm as he looks at Raidō, who is most certainly drunk, yet remains by far the most coherent of the three.

     "Raidō. I'm not sure whether to accept your apology or demand one, but I expect this behavior from the other two, not you. Now. What exactly did you need Kakashi-sempai so badly for that it needed to ruin my perfectly comfortable evening?"  
     "Yamato-kun! Don't tell me you've forgotten! Tonight we celebrate the most vibrant! Most youthful! Most springtime-iest-"  
     "What my verbally challenged teammate here is trying to say is that you're a terrible Grandma, Yama."  
     "It's Naruto's birthday. We were coming to pick you up next anyway."

People often describe Yamato kindly as stoic, and less kindly as tight-assed.

Those people really don't know Yamato all that well.

     "Nooo! Forgive me Naruto-kun! How- how could this happen!? I've failed you! I'm a failure! I'm despicable! Selfish! Unwor-"  
     "Terrible grandma."

     "...I'm a terrible grandma!"

With Raidō on one side, Guy on the other, and Genma not even pretending to be useful, Yamato is lifted from his groveling position on the floor. The four men stumble from the small apartment building, not one of them bothering to try Kakashi's door again.

 

[ **Naruto's Birthday. Kekkei-Drunkai. 9:26 pm.** ]

 

In spite of their many troublesome setbacks Naruto, Sasuke, Sai, Gaara, Kiba, and Shikamaru somehow arrive at the Shinobi bar 'Kekkei-Drunkai' for Naruto's 23rd birthday celebrations before anyone else. Subconsciously observing the group as they settle in, Nara Shikamaru sees disappointment flash so briefly across Naruto's face he's not sure the emotion even registered in the blonde's mind before his signature grin returns. Gaara and Sasuke both seem openly relieved to see the tables empty, which Shikamaru assumes comes from the paranoid desire to choose the seat closest to all three possible exits for the latter, and the fact that getting here first means not having to avoid any hug-based greetings for the former. Kiba's expression doesn't change at all, which can only be attributed to the general lack of anything going on in the Inuzuka's head. It's while that thought crosses his mind Shikamaru is reminded of what an absolute drag being a genius can be.

     "I'm **not** drinking that."  
     "Oh but you _ARE_ drinking this."  
     "Please stop doing that with your eyebrows. It's **not** going to happen Naruto."  
     "Oh but it _IS_ going to happen Sasuke."  
     "I swear if you don't take that shit out of my face right now-"  
     "I swear if you don't put this shit _IN_ your fa-"  
     "Give me the fucking drink, Dobe."

Overlooking the exchange, Shikamaru finds himself pondering a rather odd question;

_Is he some kind of secret genius?_

It is, after all, the fourth time tonight Naruto has managed to pressure someone entirely unwilling into downing a vomit-inducing concoction of randomly selected alcohols with varying levels of potency purely by annoying them into submission; Shikamaru himself unfortunately included. He shudders remembering the taste of warm bottom-shelf Sake mixed with pineapple juice and-

Shikamaru's hand moves to cover his mouth before he can finish the thought, and can't help but wonder;

_Does he realize how he's doing this?_

Nara's eyes lazily shift upwards in consideration. The hand at his mouth moves towards his other, seconds away from meeting in the crab formation which signals Shikamaru's genius mind has been set in motion when Naruto loudly offers up the answer to his question before the digits get the chance to meet.

     "Yeah! I wish every day was my birthday! Everyone s'gotta do what I say 'ttebayo!"  
     "Your future Hokage everyone. Tch."

Almost comically frozen in place, Shikamaru tries to recall just how much he had to drink tonight, finding the number much lower than it should be to actually entertain the thought Naruto's brain might be functional. He suddenly has to consider if maybe he really isn't so smart after all, but a gust of cool air blows in and he's distracted by slumping down into his seat, unconsciously muttering something along the lines of "troublesome women."

     "You're getting lucky tonight."

If he were sober, Shikamaru still might have choked trying not to spit out his drink, but he blames the alcohol for his inability to control the flush running across his face, suspiciously originating from the spot on his shoulder where Temari rested her hand. Shikamaru also blames alcohol for the fact that all he can sputter out is a broken "uhwhuu?" sound before she offers him a breathy, mocking chuckle in his ear.

     "That's right Nara. I'm going to-"

He really hopes the air he painfully swallowed didn't result in an audible gulp, though if Temari's brief pause is any indication, it most certainly did. Ever thinking ahead, Shikamaru decides he'll say it was apprehension he felt, not anticipation. Yeah, that's it. He lost the ability to speak because having Temari at your back, whispering seductive implications in your ear is cause for immobilizing fear, not incapacitating arousa-

     "-pretend I didn't hear 'troublesome women' when we walked in here. Looks like you'll live to see another day, Shikamaru."

Temari plops herself down in the chair beside him, Shikamaru's eyes snapping into an annoyed glare just as quickly as they had shot open. It's a real drag that it takes longer for his face to return to its normal color.

     "OoooOOooo! Look s'like someones in heat! What the hell'd you say to him Temari?"  
     "Jealous, Inuzuka? I was just telling Nara here how many ways I could wipe that lazy look off his face with just my tongu-"

The sound of Gaara clearing his throat and a shared look between he and sister brought Temari's hand to the side of her face in a mock whisper.

     "I figured I'd let him know I can put my legs behind head too."

This time Shikamaru chokes _and_ spits out his drink. As if the flaming red tint of his ears hadn't been enough to set them off, Kiba and Temari actually reach across the table and high-five once they manage to control their laughter. Shikamaru barely gets the chance to grumble before being assaulted by yet another troublesome woman.

     "Shika! You're in trouble you lazy bastard! I told you that if you were going to take that offer you had to bring the stupid th-"  
     "Naruto! Ino and Temari haven't tried one of your birthday drinks yet."

It was quick-thinking on Shikamaru's part, but pushing the two most troublesome women on Earth directly into the line of fire at the exact same time might not have been-

     "Nice plan, Nara. Pffft. You're in the shit now brother. Tactical genius my ass."

He refuses to register the fact that Inuzuka-fucking-Kiba has more common sense than he does. Instead, Shikamaru opts for slamming his forehead against the table- hoping he can either knock the stupid out, or at the very least concuss himself into forgetting the past five minutes ever happened. The sound of Nara's shame and the resulting rattling of glasses is only slightly louder than the arrival of Guy, Genma, and Raidō. As Yamato has yet to finish chastizing himself for forgetting what tonight was, Shikamaru may have actually succeeded.

     "NARUTO-KUN! I'm so sorry!"  
     "Yamato-taichou! You made i- ehhhh?"

Catching the birthday boy off-guard gives Ino the opportunity to escape the liquid torture he's trying to force down her throat (gin, peach schnapps, chocolate milk), which she uses to grab the seat between Kiba and Sasuke. Naruto tries to wave away Yamato's incoherent apologies, which has no effect. Noticing his female victim has disappeared, Naruto offers the alcoholic abomination to Yamato along with his forgiveness. Yamato accepts the offer with a deep bow, downing the shot.

     "Naruto. I am no longer sorry for forgetting your birthday. In fact, I now look forward to forgetting it for many years to come."  
     "That's the spirit Yamato-taichou! Wai... huh?!"

Finally surrounded by friends, Naruto takes his seat at the head of the table beside Sasuke. In a rare moment of introspection, he looks around the table at his precious people. Heart, mind, and body warm from alcohol, laughter, and good company, he's already contemplating who his next drink victim will be when Hinata appears beside him.

     "N-Naruto-kun. I-I g-g-g-got this, t-this g-g-g-g-gi-HERE!"

More focused on the cleavage of the girl shoving it in his face than the small box itself, Naruto accepts his first gift of the night with flushed cheeks.

     "Thanks, Hinata-chan! I'd ask you to sit beside me but I think Sakura... hang on."

 _Where the_ hell _is Sakura-chan?_

 

[ **October 10. Jōnin Complex, 3rd Floor, Apartment #2. 9:30 pm.** ]

 

_Icha Icha is not a drinking game._

With none of the grace a ninja his rank and ability ought to have, Kakashi makes to balance himself; letting out an audible groan as he pulls himself up off of his couch. Stretching out his arms and beating away thoughts of just how old he's getting, he stumbles slightly while reaching down to retrieve his drink.

     "Icha Icha is _not_ a drinking game."

He allows himself a chuckle at his own expense before his second attempt.

Now, it's important to note that Hatake Kakashi is a fairly tall man. He's six-foot-one if you believe what he tells you, which you should not, because he also tells people he's still taller than Sasuke. Which he is not.

In truth, Kakashi stands five-feet and eleven-point-two inches tall, which is exactly four-point-two feet from the top of his coffee table, and if you take the length of his arms and height of his glass into account... it will all still sound like a bunch of pointless numbers.  
However, that's exactly the sort of thing that runs through a very intelligent, very drunk, man's mind when he realizes an attractive woman just watched him fail miserably attempting to _pick up a cup_.

     "...Ka...kashi?"

By the time he realizes Sakura is standing in his doorway, Kakashi is already stepping in front of the broken glass and spilled alcohol, reaching his arm up to scratch the back of his neck.

     "Mmaah, you see, Sakura-chan, what happened there was-"  
      ***Snort***

The sound Sakura makes cuts Kakashi off. His mouth hangs open for a moment in shock or surprise— Sakura isn't quite sure which— and he levels her with a glassy-eyed glare that would leave weaker ninja wetting themself.

To Kakashi's credit, the look leaves Sakura 'holding it in' as well, just not exactly in the way he might have intended.

     "You- ha! You fu-fuahaha-fucking idiot! Pbbblllt! I can't breathe! Faaahaha! You can literally- ha! You can walk on fucking water! But you can't pick up a- a- a cup! Ahhhhaha! Oh my god! I'm gonna pee! Ahhha!"

Kakashi doesn't remember the last time he was so utterly unimpressed with someone other than Might Guy.

     "Are you finished?"  
     "That cup nearly finished you, Kaka-sensei."  
     "Sakura... Why are you in my house?"  
     "Probably should've paid more attention to people with basic motor function when you had that Sharingan, eh?"  
     "Hilarious."  
     "Could've probably spared one of those 1001 jutsus on basic hand-eye-coordination, huh?"  
     "But that would have meant one less way to get you out of my house, Sakura-chan."  
     "Alright, alright... _Cup-Spiller-Kakashi._ "

She knew that would be the jab to put him over the edge, which is why the book Kakashi threw hit the wall instead of Sakura's head. After dodging two more objects Kakashi had within arm's reach, Sakura gives in, holding her hands up in surrender.

     "Okay! Okay! I give up! Come on, let's go."  
     "...No."  
     "Kakashi. You and I both know I'm not above putting you on my back and carrying you-"  
     "Fine!"  
     "Good. Just let me grab Naruto's birthday present first."

No longer being mocked, laughed at, or otherwise shamed by a pink-haired girl half his height, Kakashi has the chance the get a good look at Sakura as she walks across his living room and lifts a creaky floorboard he's been meaning to fix.

_She looks good._

Her hair falls all the way down her back now; thick and silky and perfectly straight. Her hair is the least of Kakashi's problems though. It's the barely-there red dress clinging to her body like a second skin, her bare toned arms, and the halter neck hidden by her old red forehead protector that genuinely has him wondering how he's going to make it through the night. He's torn between the fatherly hope that she brought a sweater, and a decidedly _less_ fatherly wish for it to be very windy tonight. Around that time he remembers Sakura isn't just half his height— she's also half his age. He does his best to make it seem like he wasn't staring when she turns around.

     "Lazy."  
     "Huh?"  
     "You could at least _try_ and make it look like you weren't just staring at my ass, pervert."

Kakashi shrugs and his eyes crease into a smile before he follows her out of his apartment. He's man enough to admit that maybe saying he was trying his "best" in this case, is a bit of a stretch. Had the smile sent back at him not been so disarming, Kakashi would have probably questioned why the hell Sakura seemed to have a personal hidey-hole he wasn't aware of in _his_ house, but as it was he figured he'd just ask about it later.

Besides, life is much too short to take the road less-fun.

     "Sorry, Sakura-chan. You just look so beautiful tonight."  
     "Awe! Thanks, Ka-"  
     "How long did it take Ino to dress you?"

By the time he and Sakura reach the bar, Kakashi knows that he can never, ever (under any circumstances) admit how fast he just ran from a girl with pink hair wearing heels and a dress.

 

[ **October 10. Kekkei-Drunkai. 9:41 pm.** ]

 

It would have taken a highly perceptive Shinobi to notice the single drop of sweat on Kakashi's brow when he ambled into the bar, nonchalant ruse in full effect. Luckily for him, nearly every person sitting around the table is a highly perceptive Shinobi. However unluckily, Kakashi has skipped a bill, left waiting, or otherwise slighted each and every one of those people on at least two separate occasions, and therefore none of them deemed it necessary to warn him that whatever beast he had been running from was swiftly gaining on him, and looked very much like a pissed off Haruno Sakura.

     "CHAAANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"  
     "Sakura-chan! NO!"

To be quite honest, something was going to get destroyed on this night whether Sakura slammed her fist through the table or not. So when the group got up to move to a new table, even Sasuke and Gaara, disappointed at losing their carefully chosen seats, figured it was better to get it out of the way now before the waitress set down their most recent drink orders.

In the time it took Sakura to chase Kakashi to the bar, the whole group has made it to the celebration. Lee, Chouji, and Shino came in together, one of whom was sparkling with the sunshine of everlasting youth, one grumbling about being left out, and the other letting his stomach do the grumbling. Genma, Guy, and Raidō had settled in since Yamato calmed down, the group of younger men had all showed up with Naruto himself, and Sakura left the girls while on their way to pick up her well-hidden gift and- as she suspected- Kakashi along with it. A few precious people were missing, but Hokages are busy and there is still a legal drinking age, _it doesn't matter if you've killed people, Konohamaru._

     "You will drink that god-forsaken thing yourself or I'll make you fucking wear it Naruto! And quit falling for his shit everyone, shame on you all! It's not like he's some kind of... secret genius or something! Now sit the hell down and accept this amazing gift I have for you because I love you."  
     "Sakura-chan... you shouldn't be an evil nightmare-woman and a loving best friend in the same breath. It's too confusing."

It was an amazing gift. Naruto thought it was probably the best he had ever, would ever, receive. It wasn't even free ramen. Normally books give him an overwhelming sense of dread, most likely thanks to memories of being in the Academy, but this book was different. It had a soft, worn cover, which upon closer inspection seemed to be made from one of his old jackets.

The room got much quieter once Naruto folded the cover over and saw what this book really was.

     "Sakura..."  
     "It took me hours to find that, you know. Tsunade-sama ended up helping me though, I couldn't have put it together without her."

On the first page was an old photo, colors just starting to fade. Minato and Kushina must have only been 15 or 16 at the time. Too many things ran through Naruto's head as he looked at it to zone in on any one of them. When he was able to tear his eyes away from his parent's candid smiles, Naruto saw that two slips of paper were attached to the page in a small pouch. From the desk of the Yondaime Hokage, the first was just an old memo- something to do with construction on Hokage tower, and the other was just a grocery list, hastily written on the back of a flyer.

     "I know it's not much, but original documents are classified, even mundane ones like that. As for the list... don't ask."  
     "I've never seen their handwriting before. Heh, I can barely read mom's."

It took about an hour to get to the end of the album, so many pages consisting of similar items. Tsunade dug up an old photo of Jiraiya when they were kids, Sakura gave up her old class photo knowing Naruto hadn't gotten one of his own, and she forced Genma to help her dig through old T&I department boxes to find Team 7's first Chunin exam written tests. No one brought up the fact that there weren't any photos with Sasuke in them near the middle, and by the time Naruto turned the page to an almost photo-realistic charcoal drawing of Neji that Sakura commissioned (read: forced under threat of death) Sai to do, it didn't matter that tears fell because people were tearing up already anyway. The last page was blank.

     "I looked everywhere, Sakura-chan."  
     "I know. That's why I have a really, really good hiding place now, idiot. Kakashi?"  
     "Ah, I nearly forgot. There's one last part of that gift, Naruto."

As if it had all been planned behind his back, everyone shuffles around, squishing themselves together beside and behind the birthday boy while Kakashi hands a camera to the bartender.

A click, a flash, and a few minutes later, the last page of the album isnt blank anymore.

 

[ **October 11. Outside. 2:11 am.** ]

 

     "Oh. My. God. This is the best birthday of my life. Guys! She's going to win! For real!"  
     "You all just stay where you are! She's definitely not going to win!"  
     "Did you HEAR that? He's pouting! She's so beating him this time!"

Late into the night, back doors of the bar held open to let in the breeze, the surviving members of Naruto's party are roused from their varying states of intoxication by his hollering. Could Kekkei-Drunkai really call itself a 'Shinobi' bar without a few targets set up on the patio?

     "When did they start doing this?"  
     "I don't even remember. It must have been after..."  
     "Yeah. Has she beaten him yet?"  
     "Nope. It's always close though."  
     "Figures. Think he gets a power boost from the fear of losing his pride?"  
     "Pfft, ha! Oh, I can guarantee he does."

Kakashi and Sakura watch from a perch on the patio railing. Gaara, Temari, and Hinata come to the patio together, the only ones interested, or capable. Sasuke is about to take his turn throwing a kunai at a beaten down target, knowing if he fails to get it perfect, his opponent will win.

     "No cheating this time you filthy cheating Uchoofah bastard!"  
     "How many times! S'not fucking cheating!"  
     "It's so cheating ya creepy, beady-eyed freak! *Hic!*"  
     "Naruto! Tell her... tell her the fucking thing."  
     "TenTen, don't call Teme names-"  
     "Goddamnit Naruto the other thing!"  
     "Oh uh, the Sharingan isn't cheating."

It's become something of a tradition for TenTen to challenge Sasuke to target practice. Because Sasuke needs to be properly shit-faced and thouroughly insulted to accept the challenge, and TenTen's insults get better (questionable fact) the drunker she is, the end of the contest usually signals the end of the night.

     "Same bet as usual Ten?"  
     "Fuckin' right Temari. Huahaha! This time for sure!"  
     "It's never going to happen-"  
     "Not if you keep cheating, Uchiha!"

Sasuke turns sloppily towards his hecklers, slamming his kunai to the ground in anger. Before he can remind Temari and TenTen of the difference between having an advantage and cheating, he looks at his hand in shock. Silence falls over the group as his eyes threaten to fall out of their sockets.

     "It... it doesn't... I didn't-"  
     "Ho... Lee... FUCK! It counts!"  
     "NO! That wasn't my-"  
     "It counts! She won! Woohoo! Idiot teme! It counts!"

The decision put to a vote, Sasuke accepts his fate with a red face. The next week will be a special kind of hell, of that he is sure. Perhaps he has found himself a new ambition- to kill a certain woman. Trading living arrangements with TenTen of all people. So much for reviving the pride of the Uchiha clan.

 

[ **And so it begins.** ]

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hallo fellow ero-fans. This is my first A03 story and I hope someone out there digs this goofy shit I'm about to do because people here seem generally a lot less... fucking shitty than on FF.net. I'm not 100% sure where this story is going to take us, but I love ALLOFTHETHINGS that are Naruto, and I had a few ideas for ways to fuck around with them. The only spoiler is KakaSaku because I'm a sick, twisted fuc- I mean... because they are my OTP.
> 
> Honestly, my reason for starting this story came more of spite than I want to admit, but there are these things that people ALWAYS seem to do in fanfiction and you think to yourself "NO! STOP! I WON'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" (and then you read the other 32 chapters of the fic) or you read something that fucks with your head-cannon (which is OBVIOUSLY the RIGHT head-cannon) and...
> 
> Uh-oh... my story is probably going to do that to you guys. Shit.
> 
> Anywho, let's have fun and get cartoon characters do filthy stuff with each other! The notes (probably) won't always be this long! It's just the introduction also there is no smut here WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN SERIOUSLY! I won't always use this writing style either because I am a terrible writer on top of being a terrible human being! Umm I know this chapter has nothing happening really, but I just wanted to give a feel and was so DAMN SICK of having this unfinished chapter on my computer. Some stuff will happen next time! Kind of! There is a reason I called it "Seinfeld-ian!"
> 
> Thanks for killing time with me.


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